Want an informative Indianapolis 500 preview? Well, too bad! Here’s a car-by-car preview set to The Nails’s “88 Lines About 44 Women”.

Will Power’s not the best at ovals,
But he’s run well here before

JPM’s raced everything
Never slow in anything

Helio lost by a second last year
Still won three, overall

Coletti was born Monegasque
Spent five years in GP2

Briscoe replaced Mayor Hinch
Once crashed in a pit in Japan

JRH lead mile 499 in 2011
Hasn’t been up front since

Jakes’s family sell stairlifts
They’re slightly faster than this car

Karam’s from Nazareth, PA
Home of Marco & the gang

Dixon won the pole again
New Zealand’s chief non-lamb export

TK once seemed cursed in Indy
Until he won in 2013

Bourdais won in CART a lot
Not so much in F1

Takuma Sato spun in 1
So close to winning for Letterman

Graham is desperate for some grip
Hasn’t won anything in seven years

Seb Saavedra’s hair is wild
He’s yet to win in IndyCar

Tristan signed late on Thursday
Qualified another car last week

JD’s cousins race V8s
One’s amazing, one’s not great

Edward’s family owns the track
Rolled on Sunday, still went fast

Josef finally won last month
Been very fast since day 1

Pagenaud’s French and pretty fast
Pronounced “Sighmon”, not “Simown”

Townsend’s hat is kinda dumb
The Gordon tribute’s a little odd

Justin Wilson’s 6’4’’
Fastest Honda of them all

Carlos drives a lower line than anyone else
Hopefully his crashing’s in the past...

Marco’s lead a lot of laps
Never won here, thanks to Sam

RHR won last year’s race
Hondas aren’t so fast this time

Simona’s cars keep catching fire
Spent last year “Testing” Saubers

Oriol’s a big Dali fan
Running a 1911 tribute one year too soon

JackHawk’s boss is AJ Foyt
Once slapped Arie Luyendyk

Conor Daly is my nemesis
Racing for bacon this week

Tags is Canada’s only hope
Puts lots of effort in his beard

Pippa’s car’s for charity
Only spinner not to roll this month

Charlie’s friends with Dominque Wilkins
They share slam dunking abilities

Bryan Clauson’s dog’s on Twitter
His stepsister was in my Spanish class

Road & Track thought Gabby was a woman
Not sure they ever figured it out

Buddy didn’t qualify
At least his car looked pretty good

(All photos and spotter’s guide segments via IndyCar)